So, a new term has started and with it, new lessons have come. Not just from class either, but also on my writing team as well. I’m learning how to be better at self-editing as well as how to be more involved in the editing process. I’m also learning new techniques to show my emotions in writing that I never knew before. And, that I can be over the top and concern people with my writing even when not meaning to when just trying to get feelings out of my system.
It helps me to understand that I am still socially awkward in some ways stemming from early childhood along with understanding things I still need to learn both as a writer and a person. It’s not a bad thing just a learning experience. Though I do worry about alienating people as I am learning, I just have to put one foot in front of the other and try my best not to.
I know I have some of the best people around me that work to understand me though so that minimizes the fear. And, they are helping me learn to be a better person. Whether it is listed in my research coming up or not I count that among the things you can count on in a real friend. And, yes that is an article coming out in a couple of weeks. Knowing real friends from fake friends. For me, it has been a struggle to know the difference in my life. And, I have put many people ahead of myself. Part of the new beginning is looking at things differently and understanding as well as putting myself more first now.
I’m taking a critical look at my life and doing my best to make changes, and that might mean a less angry me though still the same intense truth teller. It also means getting a handle on my drug use as a nicotine addict. I’m still struggling to make meetings but making a more concentrated effort to do so. I’m also reading the literature that goes with it and working to understand the system and the thinking that will help me beat my addiction.
It also means trying to find a routine that works for me and allows me to function in society in general. I’m starting to get there though I am still a night owl, I am actually getting up and doing stuff during the day now. Just taking it one day at a time and reflecting on each day as it passes. I know eventually I will get there, but it is going to take time I know. Just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I’m not sure if I will ever write a story without violence in it. Well, I have but not sure if it is good enough for publication but we will see. But the majority of my writing has violence in it. Just working on making it more constructive to the story now is what I am focusing on as a student of writing. I mean after all The Godfather movies are not legendary because of the violence. There is more to them than just that. The violence is just a piece of the story.
I’ve been to hell and back this past couple of months and it has made me feel extreme emotions at times and that has been documented on paper in fiction. Some of it I actually felt and some I made up with what a person without treatment in my shoes would have done. I’m all of my characters and none of my characters all at the same time. Meaning there is a piece of me in all of my characters, but I wouldn’t do the things they do. It might be how angry or depressed or lost I feel, but I know how to turn to people for help and how to talk things out or write out my emotions.
I still walk peacefully and carry a big stick and if you threaten those I care about I will thump you with that big stick. But in general, I just try to make peace between me and others when problems arise. Not always successfully mind you but I still try. After all, at the end of the day, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and know I have a clean conscience. Writing something is one thing, but doing it is a whole other kettle of fish. My honest desire is to do good in this world even as hard as it is sometimes.
But, I’ve rambled enough for one day. Feel free to leave questions and comments below. As for me, I have more schoolwork to do and some reading as well. *Tips his hat and walks out the door*.