It’s interesting, to say the least, what I have learned from being homeless for the second time even as it will only be for a short time like the first time was as well. And, not all of it has been good either, unfortunately. I wish I could say that it had been, to be honest. That every favor I had ever done had been returned without a second thought, but it hasn’t. And, you would think after all the favors and good I have done in this city it would be. I guess you never know who you can count on till the cards are on the table.
There are some that I never expected that stepped up to the plate or would have had they known sooner. Some who express sorrow and want to step up to the plate but don’t know how. Some will see this and lash back and I personally don’t care anymore what they have to say. You had your chance to be here in this blog, but you walked away for whatever reason.
First, I have to thank my friend LeeLee for dealing with me for a whole week. I know when dealing with someone with a different sleep pattern than you, it can be difficult and I thank her for that. Second, I have to thank Carissa Laryea for coming to my rescue when it seemed I would be stuck outside and putting me up for a night at a Motel 6. I also have to thank my Grandma Greenleaf in that same breath for trying to get me into a motel while living in Virginia and restoring my faith in the family being able to come together. And, I thank my mom for putting up with me so long as we wait for things to come together for my new apartment.
To the Coffee House Writers, a more loving and supportive team I could not ask for. They have been with me from the start of this crisis and been so supportive and giving. Even some of them living so far away have done so much for me as they could just being there for me. And, some like Carissa Laryea have gone above and beyond to make sure I was never out on the streets ever. Brings tears of joy and gratitude just to be part of this team as I think of it now. For those that know me, I am an emotional person. It comes with having a big heart.
Having so much love, support, and goodness has recharged me beyond what words can describe. Don’t worry though I still have some angry rants inside of me, it helps to know there is still so much goodness in the world. It makes it possible for me to charge forward and work to make change easier than before.
And, even as the overall majority of me is full of joy and positiveness there is a part of me still hurt and let down. As I said before some I understand, but there are some I can’t say oh that is ok too. And, I won’t just sweep it under the rug this time. I’m tired of always helping and getting the short end of the stick. And, granted I have made mistakes, but overall, I have put out more good than I have taken in. Just means there has to be a reevaluation is all. Of both me and what I put as a worth of myself and what I am willing to accept from friends putting on me and not giving back when the chips are down. Some will like the outcome and some won’t, but I have to do what I have to do for my own sanity and my own mental health as well as my physical health.
And, I haven’t decided how I am coming back to Portland yet. Whether it is raging with a chip on my shoulder and taking names or peaceful and exploiting what has happened in writing and taking names that way. It is tempting with all the rage in me to put the mask back on and go to town on those who abandoned me, but then I see those standing beside me and that makes it harder to put the mask back on. What was once so easy to do is not so easy to do anymore. When you have people that look up to you and depend on you, it makes a difference. On top of getting older, but it is more the other stuff than getting older.
I used to think I would always want to battle. And, in the right case and for the right cause I still will. But, for the most part, it is other ways and methods now. Though the rage still wants me to do it the same way at times. But, my soul has changed I am finding. I still walk quietly with a big stick and have a big voice. Just I have to be pushed more to use the big stick than I did when I was younger. Sometimes I wonder if that means I have gotten wiser or weaker? I still don’t have an answer to that question. But, I do know writing has helped me become wiser and more in touch with myself and I am not afraid to let you my readers into that part of me. Partly because I enjoy sharing with you and partly because I hope it can help someone else going through similar issues.
But, I have rambled enough for one day. Feel free to leave questions and comments below. As for me, I am going to chit chat a bit before curling up with a good book and listening to some music. *Tips his hat and walks out the door*.