I know I have been in a dark place lately. And, yes things are getting better though still a ways to go. I am on the verge of getting an apartment just have to get once piece of paperwork in and time is running out. And, I am pushing as hard as I can for it to get done. Especially since it is the apartment I want most out of all the ones I have been applying for.
It is just the right size for my needs and wants. And, it is easier to maintain than what I have right now by far. And, for once I am not on the ground floor so can have my windows open more often and my heat down in winter as well. And, it is right near stores that I need it to be. Plus, right along the bus lines I need as well.
Now, the move hasn’t gone as smoothly as I wanted it to and yes some stuff that people have left here has been lost. But, I warned people pretty much everything was going out on the 2nd. They had time to help me pack stuff away and make sure it didn’t get lost. And, I tried to make sure stuff didn’t get lost as well, but there was chaos in the move and I was in major pain. Heck, I practically passed out more than once during it. But, if people want to hold it against me so be it. I lost a ton of stuff in the move myself though so they are not alone in it.
I tried to get people to come help and the ones that answered the call were the Missionaries of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And, they were Saints about it and helped get everything done even as they were almost late for their meeting. I can’t thank them enough. Does this mean I am going to stop helping people? No. But, it does mean that some priorities are going to shift going forward. And, some will not be as much of a priority as they once were. Or as they were about to me with the changes I was going to institute with the life I was putting into place before this all happened. Some know where they stand and some will find out the hard way.
I’m a little angry but not really. I am more hurt that all the good I have done for people didn’t come back to me in the end. But, I also know I got into my own world for a while. So, I have to take that into account. And, at the same time, I have always been understanding and forgiving for the most part. Even as I may rage a bit here and there. But, at some point, I have to say enough is enough and think about me as people keep telling me. Though I am sure I will get resistance when I finally do. Oh well, people should have known it was coming eventually since the signs have been there.
Nothing is set in stone yet as I am still trying to figure out how to live life the way I want to. I am still evolving in how I am going to live life even now. But, I know I have to put myself first more. And, I know not everyone is going to like that, but if I am going to get better that is how it has to be. Especially, if I am going to get to where I want to be. And, the process of changing has already started with changing who I surround myself with for the most part. Reigniting some old relationships and putting some old ones out and meeting some new people. For those that want to be involved with me they have to come to me in some cases and those that want to be around me and help with this they are coming to me. And, yes for the first time in a long time I am starting to push myself and be pushed. And, it feels good. I also found out tonight that I am getting a whole new set of mental health workers at the end of the month basically. My psychiatrist is leaving the company I am going to for case management and counseling so I will be getting a new person for that as well as a new counselor and case manager. This should prove interesting. On top of that as soon as I get my new apartment I am requesting in-home services as well since I know I need them.
I also know that I need to smoke outside more at this place since it will help me in quitting smoking and getting outside more. I might even expand my horizons further than that but let’s start small for now and go from there.
Tomorrow I have to get my psychiatrist to sign off on the paperwork and get it to my new apartment at all costs. And, yes that requires me to be more affirmative in my actions that normal, but this is too important not to do what is necessary. And, yes it requires me to push the boundaries, but sometimes that is required to get what you want, unfortunately. Hopefully, it will be enough to get what I want.
Well, I have rambled on enough and I have a couple of things to do before bed. Feel free to leave questions and comments below. I just have a couple homework assignments before bed and then I am sleeping like a log till morning. *Tips his hat and walks out the door*.