It seems some people are not hearing me lately when I talk to them. Even as I use plain English to say what I need to do and what my plans are. They still want to say take are of this one person even if it means going out of the way of your plans or changing them completely. Or what I need for services doesn’t meet their vision of what it should be, because I intellectualize too much and don’t put enough into action.
Right now, I have a clear plan of action that I am executing that requires me staying in Maine. If might make me have to move to New Hampshire at some point. But, I need to be in that general area. And, things are looking up for me doing that. But, some people want to put me elsewhere where I would know no one. At least in New Hampshire, I know those that have helped me along.
And no, Mel I am not talking about you and your offer. It is most gracious of you and if I need to take you up on it I will. Just seems to feel like a lot of people want me to disappear. Well, that isn’t happening. But, if you want off the train that is fine I understand. Just remember if you are not willing to stick with me all the way you don’t get to enjoy all the success when I get it. Even if it is only into the middle class or a little higher.
And, professionals telling me I intellectualize too much and don’t act on it enough. Well, acting is kind of hard to do when you have other people to think about and take into consideration all the time. Does it not matter that I need someplace where I can be free to be me and speak freely at least once a week. That I feel like a prisoner right now. No, it seems that all that matters to people right now is action and do this for me and do that for this person and that person.
I have to shed the weight of the world somehow and every time I try to. Every time I try to be free people try to pull me down. It’s like they won’t be happy till they have fully drained me and put me in the ground. Well, I am not about to let that happen. I have my happy places and they are not getting into them. And, if necessary I will go back to the ruthless me. Is that what it is going to take for them to get the picture of what they are doing to me? I don’t know. I don’t like that side of me, but if that is what is necessary to survive so be it.
Every time I start to think of myself first it is oh but you have to think of this person and do this and that. How am I supposed to get right with my chores and my soul when I keep getting roadblocks put in my way. People putting their responsibilities on me. But, why should I be surprised been that way all my life it seems. Never good enough, never doing things the way people want me to. Well enough is enough.
I am doing things my way from here on out and some people are going to be alienated and some aren’t and frankly I am tired of giving a damn. I am not caring who gets hurt in the process. It has been about everyone else for so long and making me wear a mask for too long. And, if pushed I will let my full fury out. Something no one has seen yet. All anyone has seen is a fraction of it. I am going to be free as I am supposed to be and be me. I have sacrificed enough and had far too much taken from me. I am done playing nice. Go ahead push that red button on me and see what happens. I am sorry it has gotten to this point, but people wouldn’t stop pushing. I have to lay down the law now by any means now no matter who gets hurt. I have been walked on long enough and taken it long enough. I have tried to be nice about things. Some of you have been there and listened. But, some of you didn’t get the message and kept stepping all over me. For those that didn’t pay attention, judgement day is coming on whether you continue on with me in life or not.
You wanted more and more, it was never enough what I was doing. Well, now it is time to look the beast you created in the eyes and pay up. Everything is going into lockdown and I am doing what I need to do for me. And, getting my life in order and taking care of others as I can at the same time. Though not at the expense of me. And, if anyone wants to try to push past those boundaries they can suffer the consequences.
I know not the type of reflections people are used to from me, but I have been pushed to my breaking point and enough is enough. Feel free to leave questions and comments below. As for me, I am going to do some schoolwork and get some packing done as well as some reading afterward. *Tips his hat darkly and incinerates the door and steps over the ashes*.