Now I know I have said I wanted a change of scenery from what I was living, but I meant in another apartment that was smaller as well as in a different location. Not to have to put everything in storage and live on the street again, but unfortunately, it is looking like that will be the case. But, I took the day to do what I could to get the ball rolling for me landing on my feet. I made bad choices that got me here admittedly.
Some I regret, some not so much, and some not at all. Admittedly this apartment is too much for me to take care of by myself. And, as it stands right now I can’t get the help I need being here. The best thing for me is to get into a one bedroom on my own with a modest living room, a decent kitchen, a master bedroom that is a fair size, and a decent size bathroom. And, a couple of closets at most as well as a fair amount of cupboard space in the kitchen. That is a rough outline of my dream apartment at this point in my life.
And, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am pretty much starting over from scratch. But, I did it once before and I can do it again. Just I had thought I had gotten to a point in my life where I was allowed to have nice stuff and enjoy life a bit. Apparently not it seems. Sometimes it feels like just when I am starting to do good I get hit in the back with a sledgehammer that says you are not allowed to be happy.
Some people say well with all the good that you have done for others it has to come back to you now. And, while yes hopefully some of my friends will help me out in this time of need. That is not why I help people. I do it because it is the right thing. Not so when I need something down the road I can call in a favor. I ask for favors at times, yes and I do my best to return them when I can. Right now, all I have to offer is a bit of assistance and an ear and advice when it is asked for or prudent to give.
I know God has a message for me in all of this somewhere, just not sure where it is at the moment. I know it will come to me eventually though. I have not lost my faith in all of this. In some ways, I think it is his way of saying it is time to close the chapter on where I am. Though I would have liked to take more of my stuff with me from it, but I trust he has something in mind to fix that problem.
I also worry for Whoopster, my cat, he was just starting to mellow out and I was planning to take him with me to my new place. But, I don’t know where he will go now. He has been such a good cat too. Comforting me during seizures and when I am down. He does tend to get underfoot at times mind you. But, he is a wonderful loving animal that just tends to get hyper at times. As well as knowing I am working on the computer will walk all over the laptop keyboard and around the laptop insisting I pay attention to him. He has been a big help to me these past few months.
Even with so much going on I remain focused on my studies as I adjust and adapt. I can’t change course now with them. And, I remain determined to graduate in 2018 with a Bachelor’s Degree. Surprisingly it might be my studies that keep me sane. To me, this is just another challenge on my road to victory. I have made it to my senior year and I am not going to be stopped when I am so close to the prize.
And, I started this out when everything was first happening. I am still not sure where I am landing. But, I am still working on it and praying about it. Also, due to my Sociology Class as well as after going through the bout of emotions one goes through with something like this I realize it is not all bad to get rid of some stuff now and then. I actually plan to try making a Spring Cleaning Ritual of going through my stuff once a year from now on once I am back in an apartment.
Some books I get rid of will just become digital and others will just go away altogether. 11 years is a lot of time not to go through things and you can build up a lot of stuff in that amount of time. It is going to take some work today to thin out my book collection, but I am sure I can do it. I am not looking forward to it that is for sure.
I also know that once I am back on my feet I am going to have to reaccess some friendships. Now don’t get me wrong I haven’t been a perfect saint or mr. angel lately. But, I know I did enough to help my friends that I shouldn’t be worried about the first night after I move out yet I am. Like I said that is not why I do it. But, at the same time, you are supposed to count on your friends. I know the past several years I haven’t been able to do a ton. But, I have done my share as a friend. And, some I understand about and some I am just left shaking my head with. And, I am not naming names they are just going to have to wait till it comes out in the wash. But, if you have a guilty conscience you might want to ask yourself why.
Some will say that is shitty of me. Maybe it is, but for so long I have thought of everyone else first and for once I have to think about me first. Something that I should have been doing for a long time and doing more than I have been. I should have been gone from here a long time ago and into a smaller place. But, I kept hanging on and not wanting to be alone. I was scared I admit it. And, just as it got to be too late I became not afraid of it. Mainly because of Whoopster. Since when you have a cat you are never really alone.
I found out today that I am 12 classes away from getting my Bachelor’s Degree. So, love me, like me, respect me, or even hate me now, in the past, or at times cheer me on. No matter where I am living after this month I am going to get that degree no matter how hard I have to work. I will get this done no matter what it takes. And, may God have mercy on anything that gets in my way.
I’ve rambled enough for one entry, but I will keep you posted on both journeys I am undertaking. But, know that I am no longer afraid. And, I have friends and family and God and you my readers to thank for that. I still need prayers and you are welcome to leave comments and questions below. As for me, I am going to go do some reading for the night and chat a bit as well as set up for schoolwork tomorrow. *Glows a bit as he tips his hat and walks confidently out the door*.